Harsh
by Pandax-Pro
Summary: Takes place in the same universe as my really short fic "I'm Fine" but this one goes off on its own little tangent. I don't know how long it will be but it will soon contain slash-- steve/tony. It's really emo fyi... enjoy!
1. Chapter 2

Title: Harsh-verse: (2) The Darkness in Your Eyes

Author: Miko

Pairing: pre-slash Steve/Tony

Rating: PG-13

Warning: You will drown in emo

Summary: Steve goes to Tony's penthouse after the fallout of "I'm Fine"

Disclaimer: Marvel's

Misc.: 2 of ?

Alright since some people asked for more, and my brain can't function in anything but D-R-A-W-N-O-U-T and likes to boss me around, I have another story along my "harsh" fic line. This takes place after "I'm Fine." The verse it's in is more firmly settled in my mind now. This story definitely takes place _right_ _before_ Tony goes off on his really bad; I am now a homeless drunk, story arc.

This tale is kinda weird in a "story line" perspective.

I don't know what comes before "I'm Fine" but I do know everything that comes after "I'm Fine."

The result is this: I have written out (and must now type up and make pretty) all parts of the after "I'm Fine" story-ness. I honestly have no desire at the moment to write what happens before… but ya never know…

Anything that goes along with "I'm Fine" will now be referred to as **Harsh-verse** since I don't exactly have a complete and continuous story line I'm working from.

Anyway… enough of me babbling! Onto emo-ness and depression! ( yay?)

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Backstory: Read I'm Fine and then Tony auto-piloted off before anyone could get him to a hospital, and he yelled at Jan when she tried him on his communicator. Steve steels his thoughts and goes to Tony's place after a while to try and knock some sense into him.

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"Open the door." Steve didn't bother knocking again.

He pulled his cowl off from around his face and let it hang behind him. He wanted to be here as Steve Rogers, as a friend, not as Captain America.

He heard a rather loud clank from behind the wooden entrance. He went from wishing he'd had time to change from his costume, to wondering if Tony even had the ability to unlock the bolt by now.

"This door won't go three rounds with me Stark, and I know you can buy another one."

"Depenson who ya ask." He heard Tony say, his words slurring.

He heard another loud noise, as well as a few choice words Tony chose to emit. He had tripped on something, possibly fallen.

Steve felt the muscles in his neck tighten.

He heard Tony groan. "Jus break it down already."

"You can't even come and open the door." Steve said quietly. He closed his eyes. His grip on the handle tightened and he shoved the door inward. It snapped easily.

The first thing he noticed, as he closed the door as best he could behind him, was the overturned end table in the middle of the front foyer. All he had to do was follow the spilled alcohol to the placed Tony had propped himself up against the wall leading into the kitchen.

His chest rose and fell heavily, as though it was almost too much of a bother to breath.

Steve walked slowly towards him. He was beginning to consider that Tony had passed out and he would have to carry him up to bed, when Tony finally opened his eyes and gave him a smile so torn it hurt Steve to look at.

"Hey." The man whispered, his head resting and lulled against the wall behind him.

"Hey." Steve felt all of the anger he'd accrued to get over here dissolve into dread.

Tony was killing himself.

"You defeated the door huh?" His eyes looked tired and he couldn't quite focus on Steve.

Steve could tell that he was really trying.

"Yeah. It didn't really stand a chance." He replied softly, crouching down in front of his friend.

Tony laughed, his body shaking slightly. There were tears in his eyes.

He stopped his laughter when he started to cough. He looked around desperately for a moment then sucked in air rapidly before his head hit the wall again. He let it lay there, and looked up at Steve, his eyes never quite reaching him.

"Let me help you up." Steve said calmly, extending his hand. Tony's face tightened at the word _help_.

"No." Tony made a swatting motion towards the outstretched hand. "I'm fine." His hand dropped next to him, where Tony rediscovered he had left a half drained bottle of whiskey.

His eyes focused upon it strangely and he tried to grab a hold of it as he pushed himself up from the wall.

He couldn't quite manage the two tasks simultaneously and teetered dangerously to his left before sliding down the wall once more.

Steve quickly took the bottle from Tony's side before the man could attempt to grab it again. Tony shot him a look and his face flushed red as he shoved himself upright against the wall, gripping it for support.

Steve felt his chest ache. His heart beat like he'd entered a battle zone but there was nothing here he could fight. Not physically.

Tony didn't look like he'd last much longer in the position he'd chosen but he opened his eyes at Steve just the same and smiled, like he was proud of the simple accomplishment of being on his feet.

Steve didn't react, save for the tightened grip he held on the whiskey.

Tony flippantly held out his hand. It was sweaty and shook as he tried to support himself against the wall. It took Steve a moment to realize that Tony wanted the whiskey bottle, like Steve would just up and hand it him.

"Why don't we just get you to bed?" Steve said, ignoring Tony's gesture. There was going to be no reasoning with him tonight. It would be best to just get him to go to sleep. He'd been through worse fights with no medical attention.

_ He'd just be embarrassed to wake up in the hospital with a hang over._ Steve felt his stomach churn.

He remembered having the same thoughts about his father.

A harsh little noise that resembled laughter shook Steve out of his reverie. "Never thought you swung that way Cap." Tony said with a look he usually reserved for Bethany Cabe.

Steve felt his cheeks burn, the tips of his ears turning red.

Captain America steeled his gaze, and his resolve. "Come on Tony." He held out his free hand towards Tony, the one with the bottle stretched far away. Steve noticed that Tony's eyes never left the amber liquid. It was something Steve just didn't understand.

Tony swatted at the hand his eyes ignored. "Why'd chu come here anyway?" Steve heard him whisper.

Steve swallowed with more force then was necessary. Why was this so difficult to say? He willed the words to come out of his mouth, but they fell hollow in his throat.

Captain America covered for him.

"The team was worried about you."

Suddenly Tony's eyes twitched back and forth. The voice that Tony used to answer was thick and tight. It grew with panic. "The team." Steve could see him trembling against the wall. "Oh God." Tony winced. "I can't do this anymore." He whispered, shutting his eyes tightly and looking as though he might fall forward. Steve held him up with his free arm, his brain momentarily buzzing from the breakthrough that Tony had realized this HAD to stop. He took in a breath to speak. Tony beat him to it.

"I can't keep pretending to be Iron Man anymore. I thought I could just hide behind the mask but it always finds me."

Steve felt his heart sinking away. His arms both dropped to his sides. He looked at the man who was in the body of his best friend.

_Where had Tony gone?_

"Jus go back to yer mansion and take care of the people who really matter Cap." Tony said sullenly, staggering dangerously once again. His eyes falling back to the bottle.

Steve's jaw ached from clenching it so tightly.

"No!" Steve shouted and shoved Tony back against the wall. He held his arm there by Tony's side to help the man stand, and to force him to look up.

Tony cringed as his head lulled forward. "Just go away." His breath was ragged again. "No, Tony. Look at me."

The steel blue eyes dragged themselves up from what seemed like an infinite pit. Whosever eyes they were, Steve had never seem them before. "You need help."

The hand that was gripping Steve's arm for support clenched and scratched at skin.

Captain America ignored the pain.

"What the hell do you care?" Tony said, suddenly very angry. His eyes, ruined and dark as they were, burned into Steve's mind.

Steve came in even closer to Anthony Stark. He held him to the wall.   
"I'm your friend Tony!" Steve shouted, letting his voice carry. "I'm your… friend." He looked down for a second, then returned his eyes to Stark.

Tony paused, no longer caught in his anger. His eyes tried to focus again. They flickered slowly up and down and stopped on the broad star Steve wore on the middle of his chest. Tony's focus was strange and sad, as though he was trying to figure out why anyone would want to be his friend—let alone Captain America.

Steve wished he had changed. He had never so hated his uniform.

"I know that." Tony finally responded. It was quiet and pained, as though Tony had just entered the conversation and the first thing Steve had done was yell at him.

"You don't act like you know it. You're acting like you're the only person in the world."

Tony winced as though from a physical assault. Steve continued.

"You don't have to do this alone Tony." Steve let the arm that had been supporting Tony bend and waver. Tony's weight threatened to sit him down. The sweat on his skin glowed.

"You can't do this on your own." Steve concluded.

Tony's eyes dropped once again to the bottle. Steve felt his throat choke up. "What Tony please!? What do you want me to do? What can I…"

And suddenly, Steve felt a hard hot pressure upon his lips. His eyes went wide for a moment. Tony.

Tony.

Tony, sick with sweat and fever hot was kissing him.

Steve Rogers closed his eyes.


	2. Chapter 3

Title: Harsh-verse (3) - The Kiss before the Crash

Author: Miko

Pairing: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark

Rating: R

Warning: Depression and Substance Abuse

Summary: Takes place right after Tony kisses Steve in Harsh-verse 2

Disclaimer: Marvel's

Misc.: 3 of ?

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"You can't do this on your own." Steve concluded.

Tony's eyes dropped once again to the bottle. Steve felt his throat choke up. "What Tony please!? What do you want me to do? What can I…"

And suddenly, Steve felt a hard hot pressure upon his lips. His eyes went wide for a moment. Tony.

Tony.

Tony, sick with sweat and fever hot was kissing him.

Steve Rogers closed his eyes.

He gave in.

In a million ways he'd wanted this. This feeling and this moment had played in his mind a countless number of times, in a thousand different fantasies.

_Before a battle he'd draw Tony up in a lasting embrace and they would know exactly what to say before they had to part for the fight._

_He'd put his arm around Tony during an Avenger's movie night with certain delight that Tony would melt into him. _

_Nothing would be happening. Nothing at all, and Steve would just call up Tony and tell him how he felt. _

But Steve had never been able to do any of those things. He'd hidden behind duty and a strict sense of teamwork and professionalism. He'd hidden behind the broad star on his chest and the mask that hid his face.

But now a line had been crossed that he'd never been brave enough to even tiptoe. And he found that the world beyond that line held the most amazing things. Or should have…

The kiss was brutal and short and Steve felt his heart pounding, and found himself thinking that it would have been so beautiful if it didn't hurt so much. Tony pulled away fast and Steve slowly arched and shuttered for air, his eyes still closed. The kiss had been brief but Steve grabbed a hold of the promises it held for the future.

He felt his lips curling slightly into the beginnings of a smile when the dark sloshing liquid sounds of a mouth to a bottle invaded his mind, his soul.

His eyes snapped open.

The bottle Captain America had held so tightly only a second ago was being drained shamelessly by the man who had just used those lips in one of the worst betrayals Steve Rogers had ever experienced.

It had been a distraction. The kiss.

_His kiss. _

Steve's brain went numb. In less then a minute his heart had been punished for the first time he'd given into Tony Stark as Steve Rogers and not as Captain America.

Something awful and intense swelled up from within him. Cap ripped the bottle out of Tony's hand and sent it shattering to the ground. It broke into a thousand pieces.

He shoved Tony up against the wall, his forearm to Tony's throat.

Tony made a coughing gurgling sound that Captain America chose to ignore.

Steve screamed. It echoed throughout the hallway. Tony hands clenched the arm Steve had on his throat.

"Dun beso clos minded Cap. It was jus a kiss." Tony managed to choke out.

A kiss. Their kiss. _Their FIRST kiss_ _and it was ruined_.

Steve couldn't speak. He couldn't physically create words.

Unfortunately, Tony didn't have that problem.

"There's like 10 morin th- kitchen." Tony continued, eyeing the remains of the bottle on the floor. He laughed to himself. It was a sick sound.

The weight Steve had on Tony's throat tightened, then released.

Steve tried to stop shaking. He tried to say something, anything. He couldn't breathe.

Tony caught his eye. The smile on his face disappeared. He looked at Steve for seemingly the first time that evening.

"Wha… why are you cry--?" But Tony couldn't finish his question. Steve was kissing him hard against the wall. Steve didn't let himself hold back. He forced his lips to carry all the things he couldn't say aloud to Tony's heart.

When Steve finally pulled away Tony gasped for air. His face held stunned eyes. Then there was a look that replaced the surprise.

A look of _realization_ crept across Tony's features.

He realized.

He realized exactly what Steve's kiss meant, and he realized how deeply their previous kiss had touched the other man. How much it had hurt him.

He shook his head as though to clear it.

"Ste—I'm…" Tears were welling up in Tony's eyes.

Steve found his voice.

"You fight this Tony Stark… I… I can't fight it for you. No matter how much I want to." Steve gave him a sad smile and paused to wipe the sweat slick hair away from Tony's eyes.

"My father was an alcoholic." Steve said before Captain America could stop him. "I tried so hard…" Steve paused, desperately trying to ignore the instincts he was feeling to raise his shield for protection, "but he still chose alcohol over me."

There was a long pause. Tony was shaking.

"That's not…" Tony started.

"It's how it feels." Steve interrupted him harshly.

Steve felt Tony lull in his grip and held more of his weight to keep the man standing. Tony's shoulders hunched and shuttered. Steve could feel him crying.

"So you tell me now," Steve continued, not willing to give in to the noises Tony was making, no matter how much they broke his heart. "What happens next?"

Tony started to cough again and Steve held him against the wall until it subsided. Inhaling heavily Tony leaned his head forward. His forehead met Steve's and burned the blond man's skin as they stood there waiting for Tony's breath to even out.

"The bedroom," Steve said after a while. "Or the _kitchen_?" He ended with contempt in his voice.

He felt Tony's body tense.

"Bedroom…" Tony replied weakly.

Captain America nodded and stood up straight. Tony quickly reached for Steve's shoulder and pulled him in again. He let his head rest in the crook of Steve's neck. "But you stay with me. Ok?"

Steve had heard a lot of promises before. Promises from people who couldn't keep them, promises from people who were supposed to be_taking care of him_… not the other way around.

Tony had broken promises. Tony had hurt Steve more then he knew.

_But Tony had never sounded like that_.

This was different. It had to be.

"Tony…" Steve whispered. "I…"

Tony inhaled and pulled Steve into another kiss. This one was just as rough as the first but it lingered. As Steve let Tony's tongue touch his, the burn of whiskey sweep back across his throat. But even alcohol couldn't diminish the feeling Steve had.

_This kiss was different. This kiss was theirs. _

Steve melted into it and pushed Tony back against the wall. Tony kissed him with desperation and drunken precision, but Steve ignored the imperfections. He was as close to Tony as he always wished he could be. And tonight was just the beginning.

Finally Steve pulled Tony off the wall and half-dragged half-guided him to the main bedroom, kissing him the entire way.

He felt heat rise up in his chest as he pulled himself apart from Tony to open the bedroom door. Tony winced, leaning forward when Steve let him go, but Steve caught him before he fell and actually lifted him up off the ground and walked to the bed.

When Steve settled him onto the mattress Tony coughed again, his hand moving to his ribs.

Steve halted, again remembering the fight Tony had been in earlier that day.

He was beaten up pretty badly. And whatever else he had been doing to himself obviously wasn't helping.

It was rare for Steve to admit that Tony was only human beneath the armor. _Maybe if he'd been more ready to acknowledge that fact, Tony wouldn't be in his current condition._

Tony pushed himself harder then any other hero Steve knew.

"Tony, are you ok?" Steve's insides started to constrict.

Tony's eyes flickered in the direction of Steve's voice, but he couldn't quite focus again.

Tony held out an unsteady hand and Steve lowered himself down to kiss Tony's lips. Tony's hand gripped tightly onto Steve's hair. Steve ignored the pain.

Tony sighed when Steve eventually pulled back and he then finally whispered, "I'm fine."

_I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. _

Steve didn't question it. Tomorrow was a brand new day. A day where Tony would know he wasn't alone in all of this. Steve kissed him again.

The hand in his hair fell to the bed. Steve pulled back again and closed his eyes tight.

He forced the words to leave his lips; he wasn't going to let himself remain silent any longer.

"I love you." He breathed and opened his eyes.

Tony's breath was deep and steady. His eyes were closed.

"Tony?" Steve put a hand to the man's chest.

"Tony!" Steve tried, louder this time. Tony didn't stir.

Steve sat up and sighed.

_Good. Good timing Rogers. Pour your heart out to a man right when he passes out. _

Steve rolled his eyes. He looked down at the man he loved. He looked so tired, even with his breath solid and slow.

Steve repositioned Tony so his head was resting on a pillow. He went to turn a light on in the room and then returned to Stark's side. He removed the shoes that Tony was still wearing and started unbuttoning Tony's dress shirt.

It was rumpled and stained with alcohol and blood now that Steve got a closer look at it. He removed it from Tony and threw it towards the clothes hamper.

Apart from the scars that Steve had become accustomed to seeing on Stark's chest near his heart, dark angry bruises spread across Tony's torso like a storm front. Steve cursed himself as his hand hovered over them. The colors rose and fell with a steady rhythm and were none the wiser of cutting into Steve Roger's mind like a knife.

Steve finally moved from Tony's side and went to search for another shirt Tony could wear so he wouldn't be cold. Steve's best guess was a set of dresser drawers by the bathroom.

As he neared the top drawer he noticed the mirror above the dresser was broken. It was shattered in two main points with accompanying shards rippling out like spider webs. Steve paused in front of the mirror and reached out his hand. His fingers stopped by the surface, not quite touching it. There was blood.

Steve whipped back around returned to Tony's side grabbing both of his hands, examining them desperately.

Tony's right hand had a crude bandage over a gash that was obviously still bleeding. How had Steve not noticed that before?

_He never noticed anything…_

He ripped the bandage off. Tony didn't move.

"It hurts less if you do it fast." He explained to Tony's face.

Kneeling by the bed, Steve examined Tony's wound from punching the mirror. He might not be able to fix the bruises on Tony's chest or even the demons in his heart, but a cut on his hand? _No problem_.

Tony had done a horrible job of fixing it himself. Glass shards were still inside the wound. Steve found a pair of tweezers in the bathroom as well as a first-aid kit and went to repairing the only_physical_ problem in the room.

When he was finished he cleaned up after himself, found another shirt for Tony to wear, blushed while removing Tony's jeans, and moved the man so he was underneath the blankets.

The whole time his mind was buzzing with what he could at last say to Tony now that things between them were different. Now that he'd finally found a voice with which to speak them.

Suddenly, the Avengers Communicator on his belt started blaring. Tony's was going off in the other room.

Steve looked urgently at Tony's sleeping form and finally just kissed him one last time.

He'd come up with some excuse as to why Tony couldn't make it.

_Steve hoped that what they'd fought earlier that afternoon wasn't back…Iron Man would've been a good ally to have against that. _

But he almost didn't care. He looked at Tony one last time, turned off the lights and shut the bedroom door.

He'd see Tony tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 4

Memories in a Bottle

Steve Rogers sat at the far end of the table by the large wooden door that led into the conference room where the Avengers held debriefings. He looked up at Jarvis who motioned to him to ask if he'd like more water. Steve shook his head once and Jarvis nodded moving on. His eyes lingered upon Steve's though, and Steve could see the sadness that they held.

Tony still wasn't here.

The meeting had started almost an hour ago and was about ready to wrap up.

Last night's battle had gone better then expected. Apparently the creature they had fought was known to Reed Richards, and the Fantastic Four had shown up to lend the Avengers a hand.

Steve couldn't tell if Reed had just _fought_ the monster before, or if he had_ created_ the thing, but he had to give the man respect for his ingenuity with a gutted rocket launcher and a copier machine.

Suddenly the oak door swung open, a bit harsher then need be.

Anthony Stark looked horrible.

Steve felt himself automatically straighten in his seat and fought the temptation to fix his hair.

He tried to meet Tony's gaze but couldn't tell if he was being successful due to the dark sunglasses the man wore.

He was wearing the same jeans Cap had taken off of him from the night before, and although the shirt was new, it wasn't quite buttoned all the way.

Tony practically collapsed into the seat next to Steve, letting out a big sigh and not giving any explanation for his truancy. Not that it really mattered. Tony hadn't been at the battle last night anyway.

Disapproving glances followed his every move from his fellow Avengers however. Tony didn't seem to notice. Wanda continued her account at the front of the room.

Jarvis motioned to Tony with some water and when the man finally took notice he shook his head hefting up a water bottle in his left hand. "I'm covered." He said, slamming the bottle down on the table. Jarvis moved away silently. Tony looked at the bottle and laughed.

Steve's jaw tightened.

_He couldn't be… hung over yes, but not…_

The meeting continued, with Steve unable to further concentrate, and with everyone just seeming to ignore Tony's behavior.

_Or maybe it wasn't as obvious as Steve felt it was… _

_--_

As the meeting came to a close and the rest of the Avengers piled out of the room, Steve heard Tony sigh, still deeply rooted in his chair. Steve's heart raced as he went to touch the other man's shoulder, like he'd longed to all meeting.

Tony cocked his head to the right, facing Steve a bit lopsidedly.

"Tony."

"Hmm?" Tony responded, looking back at the table and grabbing at the bottle in front of him.

"About last night…"

"I told you I'm fine Cap."

"What?"

"I said I'm fine. Anybody'd get dizzy flyin' round a battlefield." Tony crooned, taking a swig from the bottle.

An antiseptic smell burned Steve's nose as he realized what Tony had behind the Fiji Water label.

"No I meant…"

Then suddenly, like a punch to the stomach, Steve felt the realization come upon him.

It hurt so badly it was physical. He felt his chest tighten. Steve took an involuntary gasp of air.

Tony looked over at him through shades that hid the darkness.

"You don't remember."

Tony leaned back in his chair, a fake easy grin on his face. "Remember what?"

"What'd you do last night Tony? After the mission?"

Steve could only imagine the uncertainty in Tony's eyes as they hid behind the tint.

The fake smile never faltered.

"Just stayed home. Relaxed."

"Yeah?" Steve said, his eyes wandering over to the hand he had bandaged the night before. There was nothing on it. No bandages, just raw painful cuts, red and swollen.

"Yeah…" Tony continued, moving his head to look down at where Steve's gaze had fallen.

Flexing his hand tenderly, Tony coughed slightly before looking back up at Steve.

"You'll have to come over sometime." Tony stated, his voice finally cracking with uncertainty.

Steve looked at the bottle on the table. "I don't think I can make it." Was all he said as he moved to stand.

Tony's head lowered back down to look at his hand. It was bleeding.

Steve began towards the door and then stopped. "Wanna go work out at the gym?" He asked voice quiet, his back to Tony.

Now slumped slightly over the table, Tony responded. "Nah I'll stay here. I'm still a little sore from my battles."

"Yeah, ok." Steve said, pulling on his cowl and hefting his shield, which had been laid by the door, over his shoulder.

_Steve was a little sore from Tony's battles too. _

Luckily Captain America was there to pick up the pieces. But even Captain America only had two hands. He wasn't perfect.

_He didn't know how to save everyone. _

Tony was left in the debriefing room, his hand on the bottle.

He quit the Avengers two days later.


End file.
